Anchor

I feel a massive ball of anger building. No, it's not building. It's there. It's very real and very tangible and I don't know what to do with it. If I spend one more second not doing something with my life it's threatening to explode. I have to remind myself that I am doing something, I am taking steps to get out of this situation. But I can feel this thing bearing now on me every second and it feels so big. It's fear and anger all blended together and I don't know where one starts and the other begins. For the past few weeks I have woken up in a panic and I can feel “it” looming over me. I have moments during the day where I can feel myself working through some of it. But I am constantly chiding myself, telling myself how stupid and pathetic and weak I am for not being able to work through this thing, and it hurts so much. It's every situation where I felt too sensitive and inadequate to do the task at hand and every person who made me feel weak and the combination literally feels like an anchor dragging me down. It has been for years. For the first time I finally want to stop feeding it and let it go.