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So today felt pretty shitty, and I have had worse days and I will bounce back from it. But it just sucked. As soon as she mentioned it was full time, all the alarms bells went off in my head and my heart went to a screeching halt inside. What do I wanna do for the rest of my life? Well, I wanna be healthy and look good. I want to have a lot of sex. I want to spend my life with him. I want to live in peace. I want to not worry. I want to be making a difference. I want to be writing. I want... I want to give something that the world needs. Someone like me... all I can really see myself doing is being a professor or an author. I feel so big and most jobs feel so little, like I'm trying to squeeze my giant self into a little box. Of course, because I am wispy and lithe and look very young, it's somewhat common that other people think I should fit into one of these containers. I'm not sure if someone like me can be happy and successful in this world. That's what I'm really afraid of. I remember the first time I saw your face. I remember seeing your face after not seeing you for a year and a half. I remember watching you walk towards me and not really knowing how to act. I remember blocking out my emotions because to let them free would have be too overwhelming and I would have cried. I'm in love with you and I think about losing you and it literally seems like the worst thing. Being with you is like eating and breathing the most delicious air and food. I remember the look on your face when you saw me and how happy and cute you were. I feel that tidal-wave of emotion when I look at you now and I can feel my eyes well up with tears and I just can't understand what I did to deserve you. Your existence makes me feel like I must be doing something right and I must be a good person. And I know that somewhere, deep down, eventually it will all be okay. Writing is all I really want to do some days.